Something I never knew...

We’re escorted into the plaza where there are paparazzi and hundreds of flashing cameras. Once in, the escort takes us to the “influencer section” where we meet up with hundreds of other fitness influencers. Everyone is so nice and…small. They all look so amazing. The men are all buff, and the women are all toned. They look like they all up and walked out of a magazine. I scan the influencer’s section- as is Angela.

Still, it’s great to be here. I mean, you don’t get to experience this everyday. The night is so beautiful. The plaza, the food, the people…everything. I’m in awe. Then, I saw her….

Standing on the outskirts of the “influencer’s section” was a tall, plus sized woman. Intrigued, I walk across the room toward her. As I get closer, I recognize her. I remember seeing one of her videos; her name is Jewels. She notices me and motions for me to come over.

“Hey!” She smiles. “When did you start your- oh wait what’s your handle?” She asks as she pulls out her phone.

“Oh, I’m a plus one. I don’t actually have a channel.” I tell her shyly.

“Oh, well. Okay. So who are you here with?” She looks around.

“Angela Davis. She’s my personal trainer. Her handle is ‘AngelaDivine.’” I tell her.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve heard of her. She’s pretty popular.”

“I saw a video you did a while ago. So you’re a fitness influencer?” I ask.

“Yeah. I know it’s hard to believe.” She giggles as she motions to her curvy body. “I am. I started my channel just posting about my health journey.”

“Oh, so like what’s your goal?”

“I don’t have one. Well, at first it was to ‘get skinny,’ but when I did, I was so unhappy that I gained all the weight back and then some. So now the goal is to just be healthy for me and my family.” She smiles. “Losing weight is more of a product of the healthy lifestyle I want.”

“Oh, wow. So there’s no certain weight you’re trying to lose- that’s what’s up.”

“It’s because I found out the hard way that this is a lifestyle thing, not a quick fix. All those hard workouts I did…I tired myself out- you hear me? And as soon as I hit my goal weight, I stopped everything- thinking I’ll stay the same size.” She begins to laugh. “I ain’t never been so wrong in my life.”

I laugh with her. “I know I’m working myself to death to try to get this weight off me.”

She stops laughing and wrinkles her eyebrows.“Why?”

“What do you mean? Why try to lose weight?” I motion toward my belly that’s suffocating in this waist trainer. “This just ain't it.”

“Mmhm.” She looks at me slightly concerned. “So what happens after?”

“After I lose this weight? Oh, I’m going to…” My eyes drift to the ceiling and I smile. “Go out more with my girlies. I mean we going outside outside. The beach, fancy restaurants, and everything in-between. I can’t wait.” I squeal.

“Girl, you can do all that stuff now.” She tilts her head to the side. “You don’t have to wait until you a size 6 to be outside. Honey, you better live your life in the skin you in.” She gives me a little nudge. “Ain’t nobody gone do it for you. And plus, who are you helping by forcing yourself to stay in all the time? If you wanna go out, I say go, honey. You look good now.” She gives me an up-and-down look and pauses. “Well, you’ll look better once you take that tight waist trainer off.” She grabs my hand and leads me toward the bathrooms. “Come on, let’s go take this off. Your dress will compliment your shape good enough- way better than what this trainer doing.” She giggles.

We walk to the bathroom, and I get in the stall.

“I thought I was doing something. Was it that bad?” I ask.

“Girl, now I don’t mean no harm,” she says from the other side. “But that waist trainer got you looking like a linebacker.” We both laugh. “It just sets off the proportion of shoulder to back. Baby, you need a big back to match your shoulders. Otherwise, it looks like you are hiding shoulder pads under that dress.”

“Wait, Jewels.” I laugh so hard I tear up. “ I need my strength to get this off,” I say through my struggle. I finally get the waist trainer off and get my dress back on. I walk out and look in the mirror. Jewel notices my faltering smile.

“You look great. Amazing.” She says as she stands beside me. It wasn’t until now I realize that Jewels is wearing a shirt-skirt combo with a part of her stomach showing. She doesn’t mind showing her stretchies…why should I?

“I don’t know, Jewels. I don’t like it. I think I’ll take my chances with the linebacker look.” I try to turn around toward the stall, but Jewels stops me in my tracks and turns me around.

“No, you just have to learn how to wear it.” Jewels gives me another up-and-down look and squints. “Let’s see.”

Jewels circles me. “Oh, this is the problem. The ruffles are stretched out trying to cover your shoulders. This is supposed to be an off-shoulder dress.” She readjusts the shoulder parts of the dress and slides them down. As she adjusts the rest of the dress, the tension around my stomach loosens, and the ruffles are more visible. “Yes ma’am! And your bra straps match the dress so that works.”

I look in the mirror. It doesn’t look too bad…it actually looks…better. But my stretchies. I look at my now exposed shoulders.

“I don’t know. All these-”

Jewels cuts me off and puts her hand up. “If you say stretchies, I'm going to hit you.”

I turn to her and tilt my head. “You call them stretchies, too?”

“Who doesn’t?” She giggles. “Listen, stretchies come with the territory. They don’t make you less beautiful. You better love your prints, honey.” She looks at me in the mirror- dead in the eyes. “The sooner you learn to love every part of yourself, the sooner you’re able to truly see who you are. And baby, once you see who you truly are…” Jewels puts her hands on her hips and admires herself in the mirror. “No one else’s standard will do.” She winks at me. "Now, let's get back. I'm sure your friend is wondering where you went."

I think I truly made a friend tonight. I’ve never felt so free hanging with her.

_____________

The fantasy fades...

After hanging with Jewels, we part ways for the night because she had to leave early. But, before she leaves, we exchange information. Then, I find Angela talking to a group of women. Everything seems cool until I notice Angela’s “off” behavior. The most confident woman I know is acting like a shy girl. Angela is stuttering and letting the other women talk over her. I assume she’s just nervous but… this seems like something more. Then, she excuses herself and says she’s going to the bathroom. But, she walks in the opposite direction of the restrooms.

After waiting for what feels like 15 minutes, I leave from their conversation of whatever beauty problem they’re complaining about to find Angela. I go to the bathroom, but she isn’t there. So, I wander around looking for her for what feels like 10 minutes.

Goodness, this plaza is large. Then, I hear a scuffle coming from the door labeled “ Storage.” I open the door and see Angela with tearful, red eyes taping her stomach. She notices me and tries to hide what she’s doing behind the supply shelf.

“What are you doing here?” She sniffs.

“Are you okay? I’ve been looking for you. Are you okay?” I ask.

“I’m fine.” She sniffs. “Go back to the others. I’ll be there in a moment.” She continues to hide behind the supplies.

I walk toward her.

“No, stay back. Don’t-” She tries to step back but she stumbles.

I get to her and snatch the tape. Confused, I ask her, “What are you doing, Angela? Why are you- you’re perfect. You-”

She cuts me off. “Just stop. I told you. Just go back with everyone else. I’m fine.” She snatches back the tape. “I’m good.” She says softly and turns from me.

“No, Angela.” I walk toward her and put my hand on her shoulder. “You look great. Why are you trying to-”

She pulls from me. “Because! Look at them. They all look amazing. Sure, I look okay, but they’re so toned and fit, and everything about them is just so perfect. They didn’t even pay me that much attention. That’s how you know…I’m not on their level.” She sniffs and goes back to taping her stomach. “and starting next week, I’m going to have to increase my workout times.”

“Angela.” I plead. “You don’t have to do this. You look amazing. I’ve always wished to be like you. That’s how perfect you are.”

Angela looks at me, then quickly looks back to the ground. “I’m just not good enough, but one day, I’m going to get right.” She sniffs and continues to tape.

“Angela.” I plead, but she doesn’t respond.

I understand that she’s not going to listen to me so I go back to the main floor.

5 minutes, I notice Angela across the room. She’s chatting with some influencers. She’s not stuttering anymore, and she must have used eye drops for the redness that was once in her eyes. I can tell someone complimented how great Angela looks. She smooths over her stomach and says what looks like a thank you. I look at her shape from across the room. It’s not until now that I truly see Angela’s “perfection” was never perfection at all- it was just a standard.

What Jewels said to me echoes in my head, “The sooner you learn to love every part of yourself, the sooner you’re able to truly see who you are. And baby, once you see who you truly are…No one else’s standard will do.”

Part 1: The Fear Of Leaving Behind The Past By Khenyia J. Williams | Poems On The Fear Of Becoming

Spring | April Poems Written By Khenyia J. Williams